Birth of a New Day

To those few new, brave followers who have come over to give me a look see thank you and I dedicate this entry to you. It can be tough to wake up every day as a caregiver for a loved one and maintain a positive attitude. Yet I truly believe the BIG A makes all the difference in how we approach life and how life approaches us. I can NOT afford to remain positive and hopeful about my day. My job is a demanding one that requires daily interactions with many people who will be reading and reacting to my mental state. Yes, I weep at my loss and rage against a world that seems so cruel and unfair at times. Yet in the end I must draw strength from my Creator and the gifts offered to me in each new day. And so I offer up this muse and observation in the hopes that you too will find joy and hope in this new day, despite whatever trials and challenges life throws your way. Thanks for stopping by. Enjoy!

In the quiet pre-dawn light I emerge from my home to journey to work. I’ve decided to hoof it today; the 45-minute trek is such a relaxing, and soothing way to begin a hectic day. It is a luxury I rarely partake in these days as it leaves me a distance from my beloved if she should be in need. Plus I need to come home for lunch now to insure she will eat. Therefore, today I will walk both ways and pray all will be well at home. The streets are mostly deserted with the exception of some early risers taking their canine companions out for a stroll. A jogger bounces past being led by an energetic chocolate lab obviously enjoying the morning scents and sights. An elderly woman stops while her dog, that resembles a dust mop more than a dog, stops to carefully select a spot on a neighborhood lawn to fertilize. After the deposit is made the woman removes a plastic bag from her pocket and with gloved hands gingerly cleans up after her dog. Awesome citizenship madam, nothing worse than to find dog-doo on one’s lawn or stumble into a pile while looking the other way. A brief shower passed by overnight leaving a sheen to the streets and sidewalks along with a few puddles for me to practice my leaping. To accompany my stroll to work there are the encouraging tunes of songbirds, singing in the new day.

 As I continue on my way I witness the birth of a new day in a fiery display to the east. And so I have another shot at life, the slate is wiped clean and I must open this gift to appreciate all it has to offer… including the joy of friendship, new and old, near and far. So I give thanks for you my new-found friend, and wish you a most excellent gift of a day… may it bring a spark of joy, a ray of hope, and a hint of dreams realized.

Dancing

Dear reader,

When you live with someone diagnosed with a terminal illness you will do anything, go anywhere to find a cure, ease the pain, keep that loved one comfortable and with you as long as humanly possible. How about when that terminal illness is incurable, and the march to death's door is a slow, and steady spiral down an unknown and darkened path?

For me that means doing whatever I can to cling to the hope that I/we can slow the progress and keep a loved one close and cognizant as long as possible. Certainly that means medication, vitamins, but also ... for me, dance and movement.

Research on neuroscience tells us that movement stimulates neural development and creates unique "motor memories" stored in different areas of the brain compared to other memories. In all the years my love and I have been together we have never been into dancing, of any sort, size, or type. In the times I tried to coax her out on the dance floor it was a struggle, that might end with one quick spin around the boards. Can't blame her as I was born with two left feet, complete lack of rhythm, and a propensity to dance ON the feet of my partner.

However, something has changed and now my beloved truly enjoys dancing. For me the drive to dance is fueled in part by watching her come alive when we hit the dance floor. She is more alert, more verbal, smiles and laughs, and for those few amazing hours when we let the music carry us away there is a glimpse of my old beloved come back to visit. I know in my heart of hearts this is no cure, and that bastard Alzheimer's will eventually sweep my beloved off the dance floor. However, until he dares to wrest her from my grasp we will dance our way through life... in the living room and the kitchen, down the street and along the riverbanks, and in the gin filled honky tonks and bars of this one horse town...  we will dance and swing, jiggle and jive so I can can keep my beloved alive.

I wrote this poem awhile ago after a particularly poignant dance session with our favorite local band, the Downtown Horns. I share it with you now in the hopes you will enjoy. As always thank you for stopping by and giving me a read.

Dancing

I’m no Fred Astaire

You’re no Ginger Rogers.

Dancing with the Stars

Would give us a quick boot.

Simply put, I am me and you are you.

Wouldn’t have it any other way.

For we are not dancing for dollars

Nor seeking international fame

Our prize is much higher than a glittery-ball.

We dance for our lives.

Stumbling across the boards

To wrest the memories

From that bastard…

Alzheimers.

Out on the dance floor,

Among the drunks, the alcohol

The exuberant youth

We clutch to each other

Seeking sanctuary in a quiet corner

Or at the outer edges

Where jitterbugging lovers

Or whirling dervishes

Are less likely to sink our ship.

No matter the tempo…

Slow and sensual

Rock and roll

Rhythm and blues

You hold on tight

Gazing into my eyes so intensely

My head hurts.

And finally you do it…

Lean forward

To whisper sweetly in my ear,

“I love you Michael.”

Tenuously I reply

Hesitant to break the spell

“I love you too my darling.”

Then… those two words you utter

That send me soaring with the angels

“I know.”

Sometimes I can get so frustrated looking for the same things again and again. One night we were up until 1 AM looking for my beloved's lost book. Another night I ended up getting out of bed,dressing in my winter gear, and heading out through the subzero temps to look for her purse that had been lost in the car. I knew it was there, told her repeatedly it was there and would be ok... but seeing and holding the lost item is sometimes the only thing to comfort. Whenever I get frustrated I just have to remember what she has done for ME and I stop my fuming and thank the Creator. Here is a muse I scribbled about this topic.

Lost n Found Hide n Seek Hero 

It’s a game we play quite often
Several times a day
You will hide it
I will seek
You will lose it
So I can find
No item in the house
Is immune from this
Amazing vanishing act

Your glasses win the prize
For the most trips
Into the Twiight Zone.
They have cooled off
With the frozen yogurt
And ridden on a micro-merry-go round
I’ve found them beneath your pillow
And tucked within a dresser drawer
Wrapped in your underwear

Then there are your keys
That slip beneath the cushions
Fall into a shoe
Or slip into a potted plant
To take a little nap.
The can opener was not content
To hide in just one place
So it popped into a pan
That slipped into the stove

Every time I make a find
You cheer me and my success
“Oh thank you, thank you
You’re me hero!”
But it was you who first found me
When I was lost and hidden away
You brought me into the light
And loved me into the living
For you are MY
Lost and found, hide n seek hero.

M

The Rose

My love enjoys flowers and all things beautiful. I try to bring things home that she will enjoy looking at and will brighten her day. So one day I brought home a single rose...

The Rose

Brought you a rose

The other day.

You smiled

And giggled like a schoolgirl.

Stretching out a forefinger

Stroking each velvet petal

Your voice hushed:

“She’s so beautiful.

I will keep her forever.”

We secured a vase

Gave her water

Found the just right spot

On the table

Adjacent to your chair

Where you doze the day away

While Ellen dances across the screen

And Oprah fulfills dreams.

Found you weeping today

Eyes red and swollen

Shriveled petals carpeting your palm

“She’s gone!

I couldn’t fix her.”

On the table rests

A tangled mass of tape and petals.

Oh my rose

I see the petals

Of your life

Slowly slip away.

With all the tape and pills and prayers

I can’t fix you

God knows I’ve tried

Holding each other close

We weep

For the loss

We can not retrieve.

Perhaps next time

I’ll get you a cat.

Going Going COme Back

Going… Going… Come Back

You are leaving me.

I’ve known it for awhile

But closed my eyes to reality.

But why?

What did I do

To deserve such abandonment?

Don’t you remember all the good times

We stored away?

Like Glacier Park

When we swam in our tent

After three days of rain.

Or wandering the rocky coast of Maine

When I pointed to the surging ocean

To declare: “My love is as vast

And deep as the sea.”

With rolling eyes

A snickering laugh

You hit my arm

“You are SO full of it!”

What about the children

So devastated they rarely call

I was there when your water broke

In the cashier’s line at J.C. Penny.

We drove through the snow

While you counted contractions.

We danced in the moonlight

At our daughter’s wedding.

Can’t you stay a little longer?

Must you run blissfully

Into his clutches

So unaware how he steals

And distorts your most precious memories?

With every breath I take

A curse upon the name

Of the one who drew you away

Only to destroy you in the end.

You are leaving me

But I love you ever more

And will forever fight

To keep you by my side

And out of the clutches

Of that bastard…

Alzheimer’s.

Getting Started

Sometimes life compels us to act, respond, do something! My beloved is dying of Alzheimer's. She was diagnosed with Early Onset of Alzheimer's when she was only 55 years young. I am younger, still need to work, and have a very intense & demanding job. What to do? Move forward.

When referring to her husbands battle with Alzheimer's Nancy Reagan labeled it "The Long Goodbye." Not sure is she coined this phrase or borrowed it from another. Either way it fits quite well for me. So I shall aptly name this blog, "The Long Goodbye."

Much of what I share here will be poetry... for those who dislike this form of expression... oh well, I hope you will bear with me. I am hoping this blog will not only create a release for me but educate others on the bastard we call Alzheimer's. Thank you for reading my blog.